A Foster Care Adoption Story
It was during a conference I attended for work when I learned about foster care adoption and began to seriously consider this as an option to grow my family. I was shown a video called “Unadoptable is Unacceptable.” This video stayed with me and I shared it with my husband numerous times. After a few years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, my husband and I knew that pursuing adoption was the right next step. Thankfully we both felt strongly that if we were to adopt, we wanted to adopt an older child or children. Knowing it was much more difficult for older children in care to find homes, compared to infants, this was it for us. It was because of this video I found Boys & Girls Aid.
The day of our committee hearing I was in a training for work in Bend. Knowing ahead of time this was the day we would hear the news, fortunately John was able to travel to Bend with me so we would hear together. We knew approximately the time we were to get the call so John was waiting outside the training room I was in, and when I got the phone call I ran out and John and I listened together. It was the most exciting, joyous, and scary news we had ever received! I had to go back into my training for the last two hours. I remember my heart was pounding and I don’t think I retained too much information after that. Once I was done, we called each of our immediate family members to share our exciting news. Many tears of joy were shared.
“Children in foster care need us. They deserve to be known and recognized for their courage and strength. ”
The months and weeks leading up to Committee were some of the most emotionally challenging times we had ever experienced. You have to mentally and physically prepare for these children to be yours, while all the time preparing and protecting yourself for the worst news. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! Hearing we were matched was a relief and a release of so many emotions followed quickly by overwhelming stress, worry, and doubt in ourselves.
I can remember the first time we met our boys like it was yesterday. We were meeting them at their foster home and were bringing the whole family dinner and dessert. We were so nervous and didn’t want to be late. We left too much time for the 1.5 hour travel and arrived more than 30 minutes early! We ended up taking a walk around a nearby neighborhood to pass the time and try to relax.
The door to their house flung open as soon as we knocked and there were our two adorable little boys smiling and waving at us. We were greeted with hugs and bead necklaces from both. Our youngest called us Mom and Dad instantly. It was a good 8 months before our oldest called us Mom and Dad. Both were okay with us.
We spent the next four hours playing and running around their backyard. When we weren’t jumping on their trampoline with them, we were carrying them on our backs giving piggyback rides anywhere they wanted to go. They had much to show us! When it was far too late, we helped them brush their teeth, put on their pajamas and read them books in their beds. We had bought them each very soft blankets (that they both sleep with to this day) as a gift. We snuggled them up and told them the blankets would keep them cozy until we saw them again the next morning.
We feel we are the luckiest people in the world to have the privilege of parenting these two little guys. They are very close in age and look to many as twins, but they couldn’t be more different. We love that they have such different personalities! Our oldest is cautious, quiet and more comfortable allowing others to do things first. Our youngest on the other hand…there’s never a dull moment. He is very determined and courageous. They both are incredibly social and will talk the ear off of any person, known or otherwise. Our oldest will keep on talking regardless if someone is listening, whereas our youngest is much more aware of social cues. They both do very well academically and enjoy Legos and building. They both enjoy sports and being outside, but our oldest needs a bit more encouragement to get out. His ideal day would be a mix of playing with Legos and dancing wildly to Kidz Bop Kids. Our youngest is happiest when he can be physical and show off his strength and ninja skills. They are both highly competitive, which has made for some challenging days. When we can, we split up as a family and do separate activities to give the boys some individual time with each of us and time apart from each other. This has been very successful. My favorite thing about my oldest is his curiosity and his love of animals. My favorite thing about my youngest is his ability to give and receive affection. That kid can melt my heart with a hug and a kiss. They are both incredibly funny and fun! Thank goodness for laughter!
We have learned so much since our boys came home. I’ve learned about myself and how my mood, responses, and tone are critical to our success. This is the hard part. I’ve learned that when things go downhill it’s because of what I did or said and not about my kids and their behaviors. I’ve learned I’m not as patient as I thought I was J. Still working on this. I’ve learned I need to do better at not having the last word. I’ve learned that playing with my kids is more important than having a clean house. (I have to remind myself of this one a lot!)
I’ve also learned that fierce love and unconditional acceptance of a child that you didn’t create with your body, is not only possible, but easy.
The biggest challenge has been trying to manage the emotional fatigue and sense of utter depletion you can experience. You can attend every training provided and read every recommended book. You can mentally prepare and “do your work” prior to your children coming home, but nothing can prepare you for how it will feel. You can logically comprehend that this is going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but until you experience it you can’t really know how it will make you feel.
School has been a big challenge as well. Children with unique needs have a hard time fitting into traditional educational systems. Even the best of schools with highly educated and compassionate staff struggle to meet the needs of our children. It requires a lot of energy, time and resources of both the school and family. It is a constant juggling act to find balance between sharing of information and respecting our children’s privacy about their history.
Our hopes for our children are that they always feel a sense of connectedness to their family. To have a felt sense of safety and security. To know that wherever they go in life and whatever they do, we are here for them and love them no matter what. We also hope for them to know their birth parents and birth family. We hope that one day they will have the opportunity to decide what kind of relationship they would like to have with their birth parents and that this relationship is fulfilling for them.
In the meantime, we hope to provide our boys with as many new experiences as possible. We want to show them all the things life has to offer so they may know what is available for them to pursue in their future.
Children in foster care need us. They deserve to be known and recognized for their courage and strength. They deserve families who love them without reservation.
If you want a healthy and strong community, nation and world then supporting our children in foster care is the place to start. This sounds cliché, but our children are our future and we are only as strong as our most vulnerable. You don’t need to be a foster parent or adopt a child to help. There are other ways to support these kids. We encourage you to find out more on how to support children in your community.