Birth Mother's Reflections On Choosing Adoption
Photo by Rafael Henrique from Pexels
In 1986, Michelle was 15 years old and found out she was pregnant. With the help of Boys & Girls Aid Society, she planned an adoption for her daughter, Kelbie. Over the past thirty years, Michelle, her daughter, and her daughter’s adoptive parents have built a lifelong bond of family.
We sat down with Michelle to find out what infant adoption was like in 1986, and how she navigated an open adoption for the last thirty years.
I grew up in a home that didn’t really have loving caring parents and I was kind of doing my own thing (roller skating, going to school, working). I was 15 at the time and I went to the skating rink for an all-night skate, and my parents told me that if I didn’t come home by a certain time that they were going to lock me out. I met a boy at the rink, and he took me back to his place. Five months later, I find out I am pregnant.
I didn’t know I was pregnant; I initially went to Planned Parenthood for birth control. When the nurse told me I was pregnant, I started crying. I was confused and I knew I didn’t want to go home because my parents wouldn’t be accepting. Planned Parenthood called my mom and they told her I was pregnant. My mom said I couldn’t come home. Since I was past the point of termination, I was faced with two options: keep my baby or choose adoption. I decided on adoption.
What was adoption like in 1986?
Different!
I had the opportunity to move into Boys & Girls Aid Society’s maternity home. It was a home for 15 girls that were interested in adoption. We had chores and we went to school. I was able to receive my credits and graduate 9th grade.
I had a birth coach and met with a counselor to discuss what I wanted my daughter to have and what kind of lifestyle I wanted her to live. I wanted her to to travel; I wanted her to have an older brother; I didn’t want the adoptive parents to smoke. After looking at family books, I picked my daughter’s adoptive parents.
I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you. I imagine giving birth was scary too.
I had a very long labor. I was in the hospital for three days. I had my daughter on a Friday night. She slept in my bed every night, I bathed her, fed her, bonded with her. When Monday came around, I signed those papers. That is when the adoptive parents and their 4-year-old son came into the room, and I handed my daughter to them. It was so hard.
Then I went back to the maternity home and graduated high school 3 years later.
What was it like planning an adoption with a family you didn’t really know that well? How did openness work?
It was hard, it was new.
I knew there were people out there who wanted to parent, but couldn’t. It felt good to give them the biggest gift.
We sent letters and photos. Boys & Girls Aid would screen the letters and send them on. I sent gifts to her and her brother for birthdays and Christmases.
We went 14 years with just pictures and letters back and forth. Eventually, Boys & Girls Aid didn’t screen our updates anymore. Eventually, we ended up sharing more information about each other, like where we each lived, and I was shocked to learn that my daughter and her parents lived only a few hours away from me for all these years.
Wow, so you didn’t see your daughter in-person for 14 years?
Actually, it was 18. When I chose adoption for my daughter, I did have some things I wanted. One was to be able to meet her when she was 18. Another was to see her graduate high school. I also wanted to see her get married. Whichever came first!
The first time we met in-person was at Red Robin. I gave my daughter a box of all the special things I had kept through the years: her baby bottle, my hospital wrist band, a clipping of hair, the “It’s a Girl” hospital announcement thing. It was a great first meeting.
Then, when my daughter graduated high school, me and my family were invited; the adoptive family even let me stay at their house. I had a bedroom right next to my daughter. It was emotional. But I had to put my big girl pants on and be supportive.
When I was at their house, I saw that they made a coffee table shadow box with all the items I had given my daughter (her baby bottle, my hospital wrist band, etc). The table is in their living room, front and center.
Her parents were so welcoming. Just amazing. They made me feel like I was a big deal. They would say “Kelbie’s birth mom is here” and introduce me by saying “This is Kelbie’s birth mom.”
“When you decide on adoption, write down what you want from the adoptive parents. Now is the time to be selfish, before you make the most selfless decision.”
Absolutely amazing. It seems like your daughter’s parents really honored you and your decision.
Yes. They are such good parents. Her mom is such a good mom.
We never forced our relationship. And I never forced my relationship with my daughter, either. Today, we have a special relationship. We are friends. She can be vulnerable with me. We talk all the time. We send pictures back and forth.
Just being there for my daughter is comforting because she knows she is surrounded by so much love.
When I got married in Hawaii, Kelbie was in my wedding and her entire family flew out for the wedding. We had an amazing time.
What a beautiful story. But I imagine it was hard at first. Can you speak to what it was like that first year, that first Mother’s Day?
The first Mother’s day I cried a lot. It was a hard day, I didn’t celebrate. I really only celebrated Mother’s Day after I started parenting my son.
But, once I had contact with my daughter, I felt like I did the best thing I could have done for myself, her, and her parents. It made me feel like I was non-selfish. No one can call me selfish because giving up your blood to another family is the hardest thing out there.
It has taken my years to have the strength that I have now. Just because I have cried so much – sometimes I have cried out of happiness, sometimes out of sadness. Sometimes I cried when I watched a movie. I felt better sending her and her brother gifts. I wanted her to know I didn’t choose adoption because I didn’t want her, I just knew she didn’t have a place in my life with my age, finishing school, not being in a supportive relationship. I knew there were people out there who wanted to parent, but couldn’t. It felt good to give them the biggest gift.
It has taken my years to have the strength that I have now.
If I had to do it over again, I would have allowed the adoptive family to be in the delivery room. It’s such a big moment.
Such a selfless act. Speaking of the adoptive parents, what would you say to people who are looking to adopt an infant?
What is important on the adoptive parent side: Having them be open to what the birth mom is wanting, and respecting those desires.
It made me feel secure knowing that 18 years later, my daughter went to Disneyland every year. That was something I wanted for her, and they learned that and honored that.
What would you say to a woman who is pregnant, scared, and unsure about what she wants to do?
Just know that there is a good support system and there are families out there who would take care of your child, and they would support an open or closed adoption.
Also, the adoption process was a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Lastly, when you do decide on adoption, write down what you want from the adoptive parents; write down what you want for your child; write down what is important to you as they grow up. Now is the time to be selfish, before you make the most selfless decision.