Learning Permanency - An Adoption Story
Anna and Mike adopted Sam almost a year ago through Boys & Girls Aid and they shared their story with us. In this new blog Anna focuses on permanency and how the family is supporting Sam.
We knew we were a forever family the moment we heard the adoption committee had chosen us. For Sam, it was not so simple.
My partner Mike and I prepared as much as we could prior to Sam coming home. We intentionally chose to work with Boys & Girls Aid because we wanted our experience to feel warmer and more personal. We did all the training, reading, therapy, etc. We loved Alyssa, our Adoption Clinician at Boys & Girls Aid, she was patient and guided us through the cumbersome placement process. We tried to wrap our minds around what would be waiting for us on the other side of a placement.
What we did not anticipate was for Sam to deeply distrust the permanency of their situation. Their entire young life had been uncertain, filled with transitions, moves, loss and trauma. Recently, Sam broke a camping chair while on a camping trip. I did not think much about it, however the next day they were acting strangely.
I asked Sam how they were doing and if they wanted to talk. “I ruined it,” they replied. "Yep, the chair is ruined!" I quipped, thinking it was a little funny.
Sam explained that they were not referring to the chair. Sam thought they had ruined their adoption. That was a solid five months after finalization.
While on the surface we have gelled as a family, there are still things churning underneath. That sounds ominous. However, it is more an awareness of the challenges. Trauma does not heal overnight, or even in 18 months. We have learned being mindful of our words and actions helps Sam feel secure.
We have three specific house rules. For the first six months we focused solely on rule number one, “Don’t die: Keep yourself and others safe.” That sounds dramatic, but it is easy to remember. When Sam first came home, we had several safety concerns. For example, not looking both ways when crossing the street, taking large bites of food causing them to choke, and being rough during play. At times when we were out at a park or the beach, I would shout, "Rule number one!" as they ran off to play. They'd both shout back, "Don’t die!” We got some looks… but it was effective.
“What we did not anticipate was for Sam to deeply distrust the permanency of their situation. Their entire young life had been uncertain, filled with transitions, moves, loss and trauma.”
Over time we introduced rules 2 and 3 to complete our set.
Rule number 1 - Don't die: Keep yourself and others safe
Rule number 2 - Be kind and respectful: Treat others how you want to be treated
Rule number 3 - Talk about your feelings: It hurts more to hold them in
When rules are "broken," we use it as an opportunity to discuss why we have rules. As parents, our job is to keep our children safe. That is a common discussion in our home.
When we were thinking about adopting, I did not know how natural all this would come to us, how awesome it would be, or how emotionally draining it would be. The Boys & Girls Aid post-placement support was great, Mary helped us find the right services for Sam and provided practical suggestions to try at home to help us through the adjustment period. Sam sees a counselor regularly and we have a support system in place in school. We are having a rough spell right now, which happens sometimes, especially around big changes and significant dates such as school starting or holidays. Events can trigger some pretty big feelings for Sam.
When we have tough periods, Mike and I say, "We're family forever. Nothing could ever make mom and dad give up on you. We love you always." We say this to both our kids, but for Sam it reinforces we are in it for the long haul; even if they are having a hard time, making unsafe choices, or a camping chair happens to break… we'll ALWAYS be there to love and support Sam. And we are grateful Boys & Girls Aid is here to help families and children like Sam find their forever family!
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